THEDRA

What a disgusting play. Sorry. I’m getting the last word. I’m not gonna let this thing end without saying something. Oh, Phil. Yes I married Phil and everyone said it was weird but love is just one of those things that’s… unknowable. And my love for Phil was different. He is a person I thought I could come home to, every night. Simple. He didn’t mean anything to me, really, in terms of my day-to-day pursuit of pleasure or joy. Pleasure is a need that can be met and I meet it by using dating apps like porn. So don’t feel sorry for me. Who is Phil? Just someone to think about in between getting off. But I don’t want y’alls night to end on that note, with all that between Phil and Dave and then me and, ugh, what a mess, so, I’m going to tell you about my business trip. Yeah that’s right, I go to London for a weekend, a fucking weekend like it’s no big deal. How’s that? What do you do? I’m the boss and so I’ll tell you about my business trip, about my job, how I got to be so rich, so filthy rich. When you’re online, say, making a search, you generate tons of data, data that’s noise to the signal of your search. The noise is stuff like: how long it takes you to type each letter, how many tabs you have open, what are those tabs, your grammar and syntax, do you always misspell ‘bureaucracy?’ Where on the page do you tend to click, what time do you search for certain things, is there a pattern there?  Where does your mouse go, how long does it rest over each place it goes, what do you click on, how long do you stay there, what music are you listening to, if you have a webcam then what does your face look like when you’re typing, when you’re reading. Do you use different grammar for different situations? When do you get bored, what time do you normally search for things, how often do you search for things, what kind of things are they, I mean the list really goes on and on. Literally 247 your computer or your phone or your google home is churning every single task and function into data, to better improve its services. This data is called behavioral surplus. The more behavioral surplus that an algorithm has, the faster and more accurate that algorithm can be, the better results for you, so it’s in my best interest to have a lot of behavioral surplus, in varied forms. The goal is give you what you want before you even know you have a want. I have the power to make you want and make you think the want is yours. Here’s what I want. Here’s why I get up every morning. To serve our clients. And what does that look like? It’s a collaboration. I have the data and the algorithms and they have a sales need, or, if it’s a government we’re working with, or some other agency, a…  Desired outcome. We work together to write an algorithm and integrate it into services. And that’s not fucking easy, so you’ll forgive me if I don’t give a fuck about this play. Ok back to my business trip. In the Polaris Lounge at IAH, I had a glass of Krug, 2003, not a bad year, and swiped. I’m always looking for something different, it honestly doesn’t matter, I’m not looking to meet up, ever. It’s like porn, like I said, we just get each other off, that’s it. Bodies on the apps? They’re just flesh to get me off, and I’m that to them, and I fucking love that. Fucking is an itch that I scratch and it’s easiest if I just scratch it and not make a big deal out of it. There’s no need for all that fucking friction, like the friction of decision making, in my life. I’m fucking busy.  So I slipped in to the private shower room to refresh before my flight and send some pics to Ricky, whoever that is, and get some pics, from Sebastian and Terry and Frank and Ray, before he just stopped messaging me. And then when I was done? I stopped messaging them. And it was time to board! I love the night flights to London, the way the cabin gets dark after the meal service, and everyone goes to sleep. Maybe one or two reading lights, like islands, in a jet black sea. I always fly business, which I recommend, because you get lots of champagne, and you get a seat that turns into a bed and you can get off the plane well-slept and refreshed. It’s really important for business travelers because the flights land pretty early in the morning and we go straight to meetings. London is my favorite city in the world, but I hardly ever get to see it because I'm usually in meetings, but I always say it’s my favorite city anyway, just to have an answer. But no it’s definitely my favorite city. I closed the deal early, we didn’t need the second session of meetings, there was no need to go to the bar to negotiate, or anything. Here’s why: because I’m good at my job, I work hard, and people like me. I know what I’m talking about and I always deliver. People want to make deals with me. People like me, I don’t know why, but that’s just the way it is. After I closed the deal, we did go to Nobu, I mean, I’m only human, and it’s tradition, what can I say, we had to celebrate. I’m like Pavlov's dog: when I’m in London and we close a deal, we go to Nobu. I hated sushi for years, my first fifteen years of work, back when sushi was just kind of becoming a thing, we’d have to go get sushi with all the disgusting cokeheads who were my colleagues, these gross demonic good ol boys, and I hated it. They loved sushi and I hated them and so sushi just grossed me out.  But then one day? I looked around and I was the boss and all those gross demonic good ol boys? They fucking worked for me, along with all the other sweaty fucking nerds on my team. And that felt good. And so I just started, liking it. Liking sushi. And at Nobu, the sushi is amazing. We always start with the Yellowtail Tartare with Caviar and the Sashimi Salad with Matsuhisa Dressing, for the table. Usually we’ll get an order of the Seared Toro with Yuzu and Jalapeno Salsa and the Lobster Salad with Spicy Lemon Dressing. That’s as much as I’ll do for the table. Then I order a Sashimi Selection. I don’t share it. It comes with delicately sliced pieces of  tuna, toro, yellowtail, salmon, sea bass, mackerel, squid, crab, scallop, freshwater eel, and tamago, that’s japanese egg. Each piece-- I get two or three pieces per fish-- I eat without rice, and usually no soy sauce. The fish doesn’t need it. I eat slowly, I use chopsticks with grace and professionalism, I have to pace myself, otherwise I’ll destroy that platter in minutes. The sushi there is so fresh. I think they fly it in from Tsukiji Fish Market in Tokyo every day. And the chefs train for years to be able to cut it. Sashimi is simple, but it’s a refined taste, it requires a trained palette, and I have that. I love to eat it. I can polish off a whole Sashimi Selection and still order two pieces of uni, fresh from Hokkaido. That’s sea urchin. It tastes briny, like a soft fleshy spongy bone. Everyone’s eyes flash red with jealousy and respect when I eat my uni. I swallow each piece in one bite. I smile afterwards. I polish off my sake. That was a good meal. That was a damn good meal. Now, haven’t you forgotten all about the horrible play? Good.  (blackout.)